Fifth Fight: Dilandau vs. Captain Tylor

Aerial shot: the Battle Arena, searchlights raking the sky.

Voiceover Wallace Greenslade: This is the BBC Light Programme. FX: penny in collection box. Thank you! Tonight, I have been raised from the dead by a mysterious medium with wooden knees, and by clenching my fists, crossing my eyes and contracting my abdomen I find myself in a position to announce another Battle Arena extravaganza. Obscure British comedy reference, over and out. It's all rather confusing, really...

Zoom down into the arena, thronged with a throng. Peanut, hot-dog and Peter sellers move amid the crowd, crying their wares. In the commentary box, Arisa and Kyoko are glaring accusingly at Sarah-neko for reversing the image of Dilandau in the border background so his scar appears to be on the wrong cheek.

Arisa: Details like that matter to the true fans, you know.

Sarah-neko: Gomen, ne? Creeps into a cardboard box and closes the lid after her.

Kyoko: With that quibble out of the way, welcome to another exciting fight! We're back to inter-anime competition tonight, mainly because Dilandau threatened not to show up this week if we repeated the X-Files fiasco. We're really trying to make this an interesting experience, so in case of fire, all exits have been locked.

Arisa (sweatdrop): Remember, your life vest is under your seat. Dilandau's opponent tonight is the victorious hero of an interplanetary war. People who know him tend to believe he's either a strategic genius or the most incredible flake in the universe. Facing this, uh, interesting fellow, in the red corner, Dilandau Albatou!

Dilandau enters to No More Mr Nice Guy by Alice Cooper, carried on a sedan chair by the Dragonslayers.

Kyoko: No more? When was there any? Well, in the blue corner, United Planets Space Force Captain, Justy Ueki Tylor!

Tylor enters to Downtown Dance.

Tylor: Aged 20! Waves to the audience.

Dilandau: You're asking me to fight a guy in a duffel-coat with a smiley button on the lapel? Well, an easy win will be nice, I guess. Vaults down from the chair and marches up to Tylor. Hi. I'm your worst nightmare.

Tylor: The one where my clothes are alive?

Dilandau: You're going to be fun to kill.

Tylor (blinkblink): To kill?

Arisa: Let's get rrrrrrrrrready to rrrrrrrrrrrrumble!

Dilandau draws his sword and slashes at Tylor at head-height. Tylor ducks.

Tylor: Wait! I surrender!

Dilandau: No you don't. Swings at Tylor again. Tylor dodges, although his duffel-coat gets slashed.

Tylor: Waves his hands desperately. Come on, let's talk about this! Killing each other wouldn't be any fun.

Dilandau: You and I have different basic definitions of 'fun.'

Tylor: I'm afraid you leave me no option. Runs away.

Dilandau (sweatdrop): Again with the running. I want my next opponent to be in splints. Look, I'm not running after him. I'm just not. This is stupid. Sits down on the ground and sulks.

Kyoko: I can't argue with him there.

Arisa: While the Dragonslayers try to coax Dilandau-sama to get up and keep fighting, Tylor appears to be... yes, he's flirting with a woman selling hot-dogs. I get the feeling his mind is really not on the battle.

Kyoko: Who invited him, anyway? He didn't even seem to know he was coming to a fight.

Arisa: He was nominated by an Admiral Mifune. Well, the Dragonslayers seem to have gotten some reaction - Dilandau-sama is snarling at all of them but he is getting up. Meanwhile, Captain Tylor has just been slapped by the hot-dog woman. That had to hurt.

Dilandau: I've had enough. Either you get down here and fight me properly or... Snaps his fingers. Chesta and Migel spring up into the stands and seize Emi and Yumi Hanner ... the helium-powered peanut twins get it in the neck.

Emi: Help!

Yumi: Oh, help! Although, if we have to be killed -

Emi: - we're glad it's by such handsome young men! Beams at Chesta, who blushes furiously.

Dilandau: Hey, cut that out! He can't handle it! Anyway, I'm the best-looking one here.

Tylor: So why are you wasting your time fighting in an arena? I bet you could have a great career as a model or an actor.

Dilandau (modestly): Oh, no, no I couldn't. I'd be too shy.

Everyone who has ever met Dilandau: You WHAT!?

Dilandau: Anyway, I've got this stupid scar on my cheek. Fingers it resentfully.

Tylor: But that just makes you distinctive - they're always hunting for people with a unique look. You should definitely give it a try, if it's what you really want to do.

Dilandau: What I really want to do is kill Van Fanel four times before he hits the ground. But... seriously, you think I could... wait a minute! Why am I standing here letting you be nice to me?! DIE!

He charges at Tylor, who dodges - not quite fast enough, because he manages to avoid the blade but Dilandau bumps into his elbow, stumbles, gets his feet booked around each other and starts to fall forward. Trying to regain his balance he lurches backward but goes too far and flips himself, his sword flying up in the air. Dilandau crashes down on his back and the sword lands point-down and quivering right by his throat, so close that he doesn't quite dare to breathe.

Tylor (wide-eyed, did-I-do-that face): Gee, are you all right?

Folken (standing up in the bleachers): Hey! It's unfair to pit someone who's obviously an Enhanced Luck soldier against Dilandau! I object!

Everyone who has ever met Folken: You WHAT!?

Folken (pompously): Don't do as I do, do as I say!

Suddenly the Gigant-O-Vision screen displaying a close-up of the fight over the arena crackles, hisses and switches to displaying the hugely magnified face of Lord Dornkirk.

Everyone in the arena: Ack! Ew!

Dornkirk Let's see you look this good when you're my age. Anyway! Folken! Capture that man - I want his blood for our experiments.

Arisa: Well, things have certainly taken a bizarre, not to say icky turn. I'm not sure if this kind of outside interference is allowable - Kyoko, what does the rule book say?

Kyoko (gazing dreamily at Folken spreading his wings and gliding down into the arena): Wha? Oh! Riffles through a battered school notebook with BATTLE ARENA RULES - OK? written on the front in Liquid Paper. No, he's definitely not allowed to do that. But do you want to try to stop him?

Empress Azalyn (through a mouthful of candyfloss): That horrible old man can't have my Paco-Paco! Dom, go and fetch him!

Ru Baraba Dom: Shia Has, go and fetch him!

Shia Has: Muttley, go and - oh wait, wrong show. Jumps down into the arena and kicks Folken in the shins.

Folken: Ow!

Dilandau (sweatdrop): Little help here?

Kyoko: It's complete chaos down there now. Nariya and Eriya have joined the fray, taking umbrage at Shia Has kicking Folken-sama, and there's a hell of a cat-fight going on. The Dragonslayers are trying to help Dilandau, but they're being hindered by members of Tylor's crew getting in their way. And I'm afraid Chesta would be more or less useless anyway since he appears to be buying Emi and Yumi a soda and a corndog.

Arisa: In all the kerfuffle, Captain Tylor has helped Dilandau to his feet and they've climbed up into the bleachers to watch the fight. Ah, I see Dom has joined in, trying to assist Shia Has, who is getting severely noogied with Folken's metal hand, and Azalyn is leaning out of her seat to bop Folken on the head with the Hammer of Justice. Truly inspiring. She's knocked off Dom's turban, revealing one of the worst cases of hat hair I've ever seen.

Sarah-neko (bursting out of her cardboard box): STOP!

Everyone freezes on the spot and stares at her wide-eyed.

Sarah-neko: I... um... I'm not actually sure how this is supposed to end. I didn't start with a plan and it's all gone to pot. Blushes. It's all rather confusing really.

Dilandau: Remind me, why do I let you keep a shrine to me?

Tylor: I'd be happy to donate some blood if that'd settle everything.

Dilandau: It's not fair! This girl claims to admire me but she just keeps making me look silly! Right, little miss cargo pants - prepare to hurt! He charges at Sarah-neko, who eeps and dives back into her cardboard box, pulling the lid shut after her. Dilandau wrenches the top open and stares into it, puzzled. There's no-one in here.

Calvin: Of course not. That's my Dematerialiser. I was going to dematerialise Hobbes but he didn't want to help the cause of scientific progress. Luddite.

Hobbes: ...

Arisa: So Sarah-neko's gone? What is this, one of those post-modern 'Death of the Author' things?

Kyoko: I don't know. I just don't know. There's a kid and a stuffed tiger and I really need a drink.

Dilandau: RRRGGHH! He takes a swing at Calvin, who, with commendable presence of mind, whips out the transmogrifier-adapted water pistol and fires at him.

Transmogrifier Gun: Zorch!

Arisa: Good grief! Where once there was a Dilandau, there's now a... actually, it looks like a six-year-old Dilandau. Aww, cute!

Six-year-old Dilandau *blinkblink*: What's going on? Hey, that's a cool tiger.

Calvin: Get your own tiger.

6YO Dilandau: Huh, I don't need a dumb tiger, I've got a really big dog and my dog can beat your tiger so there. Sticks out his tongue at Calvin.

Jajuka (climbing down from the bleachers): It's past your bedtime, kiddo. Scoops Dilandau up under his arm.

Calvin: Wow, you dohave a big dog.

6YO Dilandau: But I'm not ti-red! I don't wanna go to bed! I'll hold my breath! He continues to make various threats of this kind as Jajuka carries him out of the stadium.

Arisa (gurgling): He was so CUTE! Gee... do you think they can get him back to abnormal in time for the next fight?

Folken: Excuse me... what are all the rest of us to do? Aside, to Shia Has who is trying to unscrew his wrist with her Raalgon Army Knife: Cut it out, will you? You'd need a Phillips screwdriver anyway.

Kyoko: Why do you think we know? Go home! For the love of God, go home! Ladies and gentlemen, tonight's match is at an end. I declare Calvin the winner, and he can jolly well go home too.

Folken: But -

Kyoko: No buts!

Tylor: But -

Kyoko: No!

Dornkirk: But -

Kyoko: I said NO! Now get your grody old face off our Gigant-O-Vision before I knock it off! Glares at him, snorting and puffing.

Dornkirk: Eep! Abruptly vanishes.

Arisa: My, you do need that drink. G'night, everybody!

<<the end>>

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