Fifth Fight: Dilandau vs. Alex Krycek

Aerial shot: the Battle Arena, searchlights raking the sky.

Voiceover Mark Snow: Did you know I actually whistle the entire X-Files theme live for every show?

Voiceover Kanno Yoko: Yes, and I did all the chanting in Escaflowne Gloria and Dance of Curse myself.

Voiceover Mark Snow: Now you're just being stupid. Speaking of stupidity, welcome to the Battle Arena!

Zoom down into the Arena. The portapotties are finally gone and excited people are queuing for the restrooms, many of them just to see what they're like. The stadium's lighting system is malfunctioning and everything is very shadowy. Arisa and Kyoko's commentary box is completely unlit and they are having to make do with flashlights.

Kyoko: At least they're Maglites. Those things Mulder and Scully use cost a couple of thousand dollars each.

Arisa (shining her light up under her face): Muahahahaha! Oh - camera on. Eheh. Well! This is Dilandau's second fight against a non-anime opponent, and his first with someone from a live-action TV show.

Kyoko: Opponents for Dilandau are generally chosen on the basis of their having something in common with him - although, as we discovered on day one, too much is not good - and tonight's meat, um, I mean guest, is here because prettyboy villains aren't found only in anime.

Arisa: You think Krycek's bishonen? And you have the nerve to criticise my taste!

Kyoko: Bite me. Arisa bites her wrist. Ow! Well, that will teach me. The other reason is this very nice letter saying 'Dear Battle Arena people, please make Krycek fight Dilandau and get killed. I am fed up with him. I would do it myself but I tend to get my ass whipped in confrontational situations. Signed, Fox Mulder.' And there he is in the audience!

Arisa: Here come the combatants! In the red corner, looking very dangerous, Dilandau Albatou!

Dilandau enters to I See Red by Split Enz. The Dragonslayers light his way with expensive Mulder-and-Scully torches. The audience wave glowsticks and whistle.

Kyoko: And in the recently repainted blue corner, looking very nervous, Alex Krycek!

Krycek: Remind me why I'm doing this?

Cancerman: Lord Dornkirk beat me at poker again. I swear, that guy has all the luck.

Krycek: I feel so used.

Marita (in audience): Yoo-hoo! Alex!

Krycek: Case in point. Okay, let's get it over with.

Dilandau: A little enthusiasm would be nice.

Arisa (blows air horn): Get busy, boys!

Dilandau draws his sword. He and Krycek circle each other.

Kyoko: I don't get it. Krycek appears to be bare-handed. What's he going to do?

Arisa: Oh my God! He's got that thingy!

Kyoko *sweatdrop*: Thingy?

Arisa: You know, the thingy and it looks like a tube and you click the button and the big needle comes out and you stick it in the back of the guy's neck and he turns into green slime! The thingy!

Kyoko: Oh, that thingy. It still doesn't look like much up against a big sword.

Krycek looks at the sword, looks at the thingy, thinks about it, reaches inside his jacket and pulls out a much bigger thingy. The blade shoots out to three feet long.

Arisa: Who knew they came in different sizes?

Dilandau attacks. Tzing!

Kyoko: Krycek's managing to parry, but he's clearly not comfortable with this style of fighting, and he doesn't seem to have any offensive moves.

Arisa: And Dilandau has disarmed him! Man, that was quick. Krycek cuts and runs like the rat he is. Run, ratboy, run!

Dilandau chases Krycek round and round the ring, but can't catch up. He changes directions before Krycek can figure out what he's doing and almost runs straight back into him; Krycek manages to dodge but Dilandau is much nearer now and succeeds in catching the back of his jacket. Krycek keeps running and Dilandau skids along behind him, trying to dig his heels in.

Dilandau: Keep still, damnit!

Krycek: It's not fair! I've had enough! My life sucks, my job is too scary, Russian peasants cut off my arm under unhygienic conditions and I've got black slime up my nose! And I did Marita, for God's sake! She's such a skank!

Marita: What about you? Talk about easy!

Kyoko: I've always felt that liaison was one of the low points of The X-Files.

Arisa: But not as bad as '3.'

Kyoko: No, nothing is as bad as '3.'

Perrey Reeves: Screw you guys. I'm going home.

Dr Richard Kimble: Excuse me, I'm looking for a one-armed man and I've heard you've got one.

Kyoko: Down there in the ring, whining.

Dr Kimble (cranes over to look): No, not the one I'm looking for. Thanks anyway. Oh - and if it's not too much trouble, you never saw me. Exit, pursued by Tommy Lee Jones.

Jajuka (standing up in the audience): Alex! It's all right to change back!

Krycek convulses and collapses. Dilandau drops the jacket and hovers over him, confused. Inside his suit, Krycek seems to be changing shape. After a moment, he raises his head - but he's not he any more.

Mulder (jumping up): SAMANTHA! He clambers over Scully to get out of their row and charges down the aisle.

Scully: Mulder, wait! Jeez - why do I even say that any more?

Mulder: Samantha Samantha Samantha! Reaching his long-lost sister, he flings his arms round her and hugs and kisses her. She seems bewildered but not displeased, and hugs him back.

Audience: Awww!

Dilandau (reproachfully): Jajuka!

Jajuka: What, you thought you were the only kid I ever took care of? Don't pout.

Mulder: I can't believe I nearly got you killed! I'm so, so sorry! Are you okay? Let me look at you. Scully, can you take a look at her?

Dilandau: Hey! In case you've forgotten, there's meant to be a fight going on here! Back off and let us finish this, Spooky.

Mulder: I won't let you hurt my sister. If you want a fight, fight me.

Scully: Mulder!

Samantha: Be careful, Fox!

Kyoko: This is incredible! Special Agent Fox Mulder is facing off with Dilandau Albatou! He doesn't have a sword! He doesn't have a thingy! What can he do? What can he do?


Kyoko: Oh yeah. Mulder has a gun.

Arisa: That spooky bastard shot Dilandau!

Kyoko: Ladies and gentlemen, Dilandau Albatou is down! He's now receiving medical attention from Special Agent Dana Scully!

Every Male Human in the Audience: Lucky!

Scully: It's all right! He's going to be all right. It just grazed his shoulder, there's a flesh wound but no serious damage.

Dilandau: Oh man! Not another scar!

Mulder: What does all this mean!? The ramifications are mind-boggling.

Cancerman: Oh, for goodness' sake. All it means is we contracted some work out to an independent operator. Government agencies do it all the time. Lord Dornkirk gave us a very reasonable quote and we thought why not?

Scully: But what about all the Samantha clones Mulder has encountered?

Cancerman: We took tissue samples for cloning purposes before the destiny reassignment. That's the original you've got there.

Mulder: But why are you telling us all this? You're the one who always keeps the truth from us, or hides the evidence so we can't prove it to anyone else!

Cancerman: Because I want to defect. His trenchcoat rips and broad black wings unfurl. Loose feathers drift everywhere. See? That's what smoking will do to your wings! I want out before the moulting gets any worse.

Scully: Eep.

Dilandau: Hey! I object! Struggles to his feet, holding his injured shoulder. This whole fight was just an excuse for Sarah-neko to play out what she thinks would be a cool denouement for The X-Files! It's not about me at all!

Samantha: Oh, grow up. Let someone else have the spotlight once in a while.

Dilandau: You wanna take it outside!?

Kyoko: Uh, you are in a fighting arena.

Scully: And you're not fighting. I'm ordering total bed-rest for you for a week - you need to recover from this injury and stop getting so darn over-excited all the time. Come on. Be good and I'll make you some cocoa and tuck you in.

Every Male Human in the Audience: Aaargh!

Scully leads Dilandau away. The Dragonslayers follow anxiously.

Arisa: Lucky!

Kyoko: You envy Dilandau?

Arisa: I envy Scully, you dope! I'll have to send him flowers or a fruit basket or something...

Kyoko: Well, as my co-host feverishly looks up florists in the Yellow Pages, as the remaining cast members of The X-Files settle down to have a long chat about what to do next, as the Lone Gunmen take photos of Cancerman's wings and exclaim 'Cool!' and as the rest of the audience go back to queuing to try out the new toilets, I bid you all good night.

<<the end>>

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