Fourth Fight: Dilandau vs. Sailormars

Aerial shot: the Battle Arena, searchlights raking the sky.

Voiceover Sarah-neko: Finally I get a word in edgeways! I hope you're enjoying the, uh, entertainment. I know it doesn't make a lot of sense to have these fights called by characters from All Purpose Cultural Cat Girl Nuku Nuku, but these two hang out in my head all the time, along with Dilandau-sama and others... it gets rowdy in there... oh, they're signalling me to shut up. Um. Excuse me.

Zoom down into the arena, adorned with gas flares. Many of the audience have sparklers and are writing their names in the air. The restrooms have still not been rebuilt and the ring is half surrounded by portapotties. Arisa and Kyoko are toasting marshmallows over a brazier in the commentary box. Kyoko's catches fire and she has to beat it out. She makes a very sad boo-boo face.

Arisa: Here, you can have mine. It's nice and gooey. To camera. Well! We all know the saying 'fight fire with fire,' and that's the logic behind-

Kyoko (mouth full): Exsqueeze me? Logic?

Arisa: Okay, that's the hastily fabricated justification behind tonight's fight. Yet again, we pick on someone from Bishoujo Senshi Sailormoon.

Kyoko: Actually, she's picking on us. Look at this message of challenge. She hands a note to Arisa, who glances over it. Arisa's eyes bug out.

Arisa: Angry, angry young woman.

Kyoko: She reminds me of you. Right! The combatants are entering the arena. In the red corner, red like a fire engine, Dilandau Albatou!

Dilandau enters to Fire Water Burn by the Bloodhound Gang. The Dragonslayers follow with flaming torches. It's getting very warm in the arena, despite the open roof.

Arisa: You know it's my job to announce him! Well, anyway, in the other red corner, because she painted it red when she got here, Sailormars!

Sailormars enters to Flame Sniper by, well, herself. All the other Sailor Senshi stand up in the audience and yell and scream and whistle; people sitting around them pelt them with popcorn.

Arisa: We're all hoping to see a decisive victory here tonight. After making friends with Zoisite, accidentally killing Ayanami Rei and hideously mutilating Darth Maul with the help of Obi-Wan Kenobi, Dilandau-sama could do with a clean win.

Kyoko: Except for those of us who think Mars should win.

Arisa: Traitor! Traitor traitor traitor!

Kyoko: As commentators, we should be impartial! Or at least evenly split. This will be another slightly odd battle, given that people from Sailormoon tend not to fight with weapons or hand-to-hand, but mecha are not an option either. It's hard to figure out what a guy with a sword is going to do to a girl who hurls fire from her fingertips.

Arisa: Cutting her hands off would be a good start. Hey, Sailormars is striking a pose. Vogue!

Sailormars: I am the bishoujo senshi of fire!

Dilandau: I am the bishounen senshi of fire. Sticks out his tongue.

Sailormars: Watch it, bub. I was playing this pretty soldier gig when you were just a twinkle in Shoji Kawamori's eye.

Dilandau: It shows.

Audience: Meow!

Arisa: This is good already!

Sailormars: Right! That's it! FIRE SOUL! A jet of flame spurts from her hands and hits Dilandau. The smoke clears to reveal a blackened Dilandau, big-eyed and blinking. A small flame is still burning at the end of a strand of his hair, and he licks his fingers and very slowly reaches up and pinches it out.

Dilandau (deadpan): I was not aware that the fight was supposed to have begun.

Arisa: Technically, it hasn't. Cheater! Cheater cheater cheater!

Sailormars: Pipe down or you're next.

Dilandau (still very composed, almost motionless): Chesta, my flamethrower, please.

Chesta: Yes, Dilandau-sama! Brings the flamethrower and presents it, bowing. Dilandau takes it without looking at him, then beckons.

Dilandau: Come closer a moment. Chesta obeys. Dilandau puts the flamethrower on the floor and boxes Chesta's ears viciously. Thank you. I feel better.

Chesta: I'm so glad... Faints and is dragged away by Guimel and Dalet.

Dilandau: Right! Eat this, bimbo! Shoulders the flamethrower and directs a blast of fire at Sailormars, who vaults out of the way.

Sailormars: You singed my hair! Ooh, are you gonna get it!

Kyoko: Things appear to be hotting up in the arena. Literally. All this fire flying around is heating the air, and it was a balmy night to begin with. Sailormars, in a short-sleeved, short-skirted fuku, is all right, but Dilandau's in black leather from head to foot and he's sweating. Oh for God's sake, Arisa, put that camera away!

Arisa: It's archival! I'm starting to wonder if this fight is just going to be Mars throws fire at Dilandau, Dilandau throws fire at Mars, repeat until both are evenly carbonised.

Kyoko: I'd say Dilandau's too damp to burn. Ooh! In a daring move, he's thrown the whole flamethrower at Sailormars!

Sailormars: Eek! The flamethrower hits her in the shoulder and knocks her down; Dilandau leaps on her and pins her shoulders but she jerks her knee up between his legs. Cross-eyed, Dilandau rolls over sideways and lies on his back like an upturned turtle.

Arisa: And he was so young, too... shocking waste.

Sailormars: Who da man? Who da man? No-one da man! Da girl is da BOMB! Woo! The other Senshi whistle and stomp their feet. Sailormars struts around and does a little touchdown dance.

Kyoko: What's wrong with her?

Arisa: She really shouldn't wriggle like that in a skirt like that. I just can't believe how this fight has turned out. Poor Dilandau-sama! But wait - he's moving! Someone tell the fat lady to wait her turn, because friends, it's not over!

Dilandau: *gasp* I think I may actually hate you more than Van and Hitomi put together. Hey, are you listening to me? Sailormars is skipping around the edge of the arena slapping high-fives to her friends who are leaning over the sides. He appeals to the Office Ladies. My voice hasn't gone squeaky, has it?

Kyoko: Uh, no, it's as... masculine as ever.

Arisa: Oh shush. You're fine, Dilandau-baby!

Kyoko: First it's -sama, now it's -BABY!?

Arisa: You're just jealous.

Kyoko: Of your totally unrequited crush on a complete frickin' maniac!? Yes, I must admit I am!

Dilandau: Could you two fight over me some other time? Both OLs blush furiously - Kyoko is sweatdropping. I have a really annoying little bitch to destroy. He springs and tackles Sailormars, and this time pins her on her face. Much squealing from the Senshi.

Arisa: A brilliant comeback! Mars shouldn't have assumed it was over. Dilandau's drawn his sword, he's pulling her head up by her hair, I think we might be going to see a decapitation!

Kyoko: Tell me when it's over.

Kyoko hides under the desk. Security guards are holding the distraught Senshi back. Sailormars bites her lip, closes her eyes tight and waits. Dilandau's sword comes round in a cold silver sweep.

Audience: Gasp!

Arisa: Sweet merciful crap!

Kyoko: Did he do it? Did he do it?

Arisa: Did he ever!

Dilandau: Take that, smartypants!

Sailormars: Smartypants? Take what? My head's still on, isn't it? Raises her hands to her head. Oh my GOD!

Dilandau: Not so pretty now, are ya? Skips around the ring waving a great bunch of most of Mars' hair like a banner.

Sailormars: He cut off my hair! He cut off my hair! He cut off my hair! He cut off my hair!

Kyoko: Ease up on the italics there. It's not the end of the world.

Tendo Akane: You can rebuild your life! I'm living proof!

Saotome Ranma: Do you think that'll really cheer her up? Gets clobbered by Akane.

Dilandau holds the bunch of hair to his butt and pretends it's a tail; trots round the ring like a pony.

Arisa: That's my stallion!

Kyoko: You really disturb me. Ladies and gentlemen, I think that's the end of tonight's fight. Sailormars is being led away in tears by her friends, Dilandau is giving all the Dragonslayers locks of her hair as souvenirs - and stuffing the excess down the back of the still-unconscious Chesta's neck - and the crowd is going wild. I hereby declare Dilandau Albatou the winner and new champeen!

Dilandau: About time!

<<the end>>

Back to Battle Arena