Third Fight: Dilandau vs. Darth Maul

Aerial shot: the Battle Arena, searchlights raking the sky.

Voiceover James Earl Jones: A long, long time ago in a galaxy far away... a lot of people took an entertaining series of science fiction movies far, far too seriously. But that was all right, because a lot of other people took an enchanting fantasy anime series just as seriously. So they all lived happily ever after, connected in the great circle of life. Except for some of them, who had silly fights.

Zoom down into the Arena, thronged with the extended casts of Tenkuu no Escaflowne and Star Wars. Long, lavish pan shots of the bleachers - look out for ET! We find Arisa and Kyoko, our Special Guest Commentators, sitting in the commentary box. Arisa has dressed up for the occasion, with Princess Leia bagel hair. Kyoko keeps looking at her sideways.

Arisa: Welcome to the Battle Arena for another fun-filled night of shrieking and compound injury! Woo!

Kyoko: Tonight, one of the coolest villains of all time, Dilandau Albatou, does battle with a newcomer, one of the most talked-about villains of this year - Darth Maul.

Arisa: First name, Shopping? Cheesy grin.

Kyoko: Oh shush. We have a capacity crowd of really overexcited people. Security have already had to suppress a group of hyperactive Ewoks - with extreme prejudice. Many thanks to Balgus Security Ltd - they get the job done and look cool doing it.

Arisa: After the, uh, schlemozzle of our last bout, we're taking a break from mecha fighting, at least until the restrooms are back in action. This will be a blades fight. Whee! Dilandau with a sword!

Kyoko: How much officially licensed candy have you had? Never mind. This should be a difficult round for Dilandau - a regular metal sword up against a double-ended lightsaber? He'll hardly have a chance.

Arisa: Nonsense. Dilandau-sama can do it. He's going to whip Maul's silly Sith butt.

Kyoko: All of a sudden it's -sama? When did you get so impressed by him?

Arisa: Well, I, uh, look! Here he comes now! In the red corner, Dilandau Albatou! Get an eyeful of that!

Dilandau enters, in shiny trenchcoat, to the Imperial March from Star Wars. The Dragonslayers form an arch with plastic lightsabers for him to walk under. Cheers from crowd; Mexican waves from Imperial Stormtroopers in the audience. Gatti and Biore march around with signs saying 'The Force is strong with this one.'

Kyoko: He's enjoying this too much. In the blue corner, with his nasty double-ended lightsaber, Darth Maul!

Darth Maul enters, looking scary. Boos and hisses from the audience; a deluge of water balloons. Darth Maul snarls once round the stadium and everyone goes quiet.

Arisa: It looks as though Dilandau-sama has something special planned - he's not wearing his sword. Chesta's approaching him with something wrapped up in velvet... the wrappings are coming off... hey, that's all cool-looking and shiny!

Kyoko confiscates her Milk Duds and gives her a warning look.

Kyoko: It appears to be a sword with a blade of solid Energist. An energy weapon versus an Energist weapon - will it work?

Arisa: Of course it will work. Dilandau-sama is far cooler than Darth Maul. The coolest person always wins. Quod erat demonstrandum. Gentlemen, start your engines!

Dilandau and Darth Maul face off. The first blows and parries are struck with much dramatic humming and whooshing.

Arisa: And the Energist blade is holding up really well against the lightsaber! Normally a lightsaber beam can cut through everything except another beam, but apparently we've discovered an exception to that rule. Kickass!

Kyoko: Dilandau's clearly having to think on his feet, unused to fighting someone with a staff. At the moment he's expending most of his energy on avoiding the swinging saber ends, but as soon as he's got Maul's fighting style sussed out we should see some action. I wonder if he'll try to kill him outright or just chop bits off?

Arisa: And you think I'm inappropriately excited? I'm kind of confused by what he's doing now. It looks like he's trying not so much to disable Maul as to disarm him. Wanting to render him helpless before closing in for the kill, I suppose.

Kyoko: I just think this would be cooler if he was fighting with Darth Vader or Luke Skywalker. Call me a first-trilogy purist.

Dilandau slips past Darth Maul's guard, strikes the knuckles of his right hand, forcing him to let go, and flips the handgrip of the double saber from his left hand in one smooth movement. He catches the handgrip and kicks Maul hard in the chest, sending him staggering backwards. Darth Maul slams into the row of portapotties erected as a temporary measure and doubles over, winded and stunned.

Kyoko: Okay. Okay, I will admit that was very cool.

Dilandau: Wahaha! It's mine! The niftiest-looking weapon in the movies is mine! Spins it around like a baton. Oh, Va-an! I've got something special for you! He charges into the bleachers, making for Van who is sitting near the back row sharing a milkshake with Hitomi - people who like Van and Hitomi may now go 'Aww.'

Arisa: Auugh! He's leaping his way up the terraces! And right in his path are Qui-Gon Jinn and Allen Schezar, who are completely oblivious to him, so absorbed are they in their discussion of hair-care! *pant, gasp*

Qui-Gon: But if you tied it back you could see better.

Allen: I just don't want to lose all this body with a severe style like that.

Dilandau uses both their heads as stepping stones.

Both: Pretty stars, pretty stars.

Obi-Wan Kenobi: Hey! You can't do that to my master! He jumps up and throws his popcorn at Dilandau, who stops in his tracks and then turns around very slowly, with an air of unearthly menace. Phantom menace, even.

Arisa: Oh boy.

The crowd scatters away from the two young men; someone has considerately pushed Allen and Qui-Gon under the benches.

Dilandau: Are you talking to me?

Kyoko: Ladies and gentlemen, in a change to our scheduled programme, we're now witnessing an all-in fight between Dilandau Albatou and Ewan McGregor! Arisa noogies her.

Arisa: Obi-Wan Kenobi!

Kyoko: Same difference! My God, they're going at it hammer and tongs up there! Arisa, stop drooling, remember I lent you that top.

Arisa: I can't help it! Stands up and waves her arms. Hey GUYS! Whoever wins gets me!!

Obi-Wan & Dilandau: Erk! Both drop their weapons and shake hands hurriedly.

Arisa: Why you lousy no-good punks! I oughtta beat you till you realise how hot I am!

Kyoko: *sweatdrop* Just sit down, 'kay?

Arisa: I feel my femininity has been called into question.

Kyoko: Does it make you feel better to know Ewan McGregor's already married and Dilandau's really a girl?

Arisa: Actually, yes!

Dilandau: I'm what?

Kyoko: Whoops, continuity glitch. But look! Darth Maul's getting up!

Darth Maul: Ugh... I feel horrible. Oh, that's right - I am horrible. Where's my lightsaber!?

Arisa: That dorky grey-haired boy who doesn't recognise the flower of womanhood when he sees it took it. Up there in the stands.

Darth Maul: You utter bastard! I made that! It took hours and I kept burning my fingers with the soldering iron! Do you know how much that stings?

Kyoko: You know, he's scarier when he doesn't talk much. He's thundering up the bleachers towards Dilandau and Ewbi-Wan.

Dilandau: Do you want to get him?

Obi-Wan: Oh, be my guest. It was your fight to start with. I wouldn't want to push in.

Dilandau: Yeah, but I'm not really focused on it any more. I was just in it for this snazzy staffy-thing. You'd enjoy it more.

Obi-Wan: Tell you what. Shall we get him together?

Dilandau: Yes, let's!

Darth Maul reaches them and tries to snatch the double saber from Dilandau. There is a brief flurry of movement and light.

Kyoko: Eurgh! All I can say is, thank goodness lightsabers cauterise when they cut, or we'd be up to our waists in it!

Arisa: Darth Maul is now Darth Mauled. Ewwwwwwwwww!

Dilandau: Woo-hoo! We got him! Obi-Wan and Dilandau jump in the air and bump chests.

Arisa: I wish I'd had my camera. I wish I'd had my camera.

Kyoko: I just don't get how that worked. A fully paid-up Dark Lord of the Sith gets wasted by a trainee Jedi and a loony Dragonslayer?

Arisa: It's perfectly simple. I told you at the start, the coolest person wins. The combined coolness of Dilandau and Obi-Wan was so intense that Darth Maul was instantly overpowered. That, my friend, is the true Force.

Kyoko: But if that's true, how did Mark Hamill keep winning in the first trilogy?

Arisa: Why do you think he got his hand cut off? Duh.

Mark Hamill: Hey, shut up.

Kyoko: So what happens now?

Arisa: We all go to the Cantina and get nicely tanked up and if we're lucky Jajuka and Chewbacca will arm-wrestle. Yay! G'night, everybody!

<<the end>>

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