First Fight: Dilandau vs. Zoisite
Aerial shot: the Battle Arena, searchlights raking the sky.
Voiceover John Campbell: Good evening and welcome to the Battle Arena. I am a New Zealand news anchor you've never heard of, and this promises to be one of the year's most exciting violent entertainment events. What?... oh... apparently we're supposed to call it extreme sports. That's the kind of hypocrisy you get in the modern media. Tonight's fight will be commentated by everyone's favourite office ladies, Arisa and Kyoko from All Purpose Cultural Cat Girl Nuku Nuku , for no better reason than because the webmistress thinks they're a hoot. Now, if you'll excuse me, the product on my hair is making me giddy and faint. Slides off chair to the floor. Oh dear.
Cut to commentary box, where Arisa is drawing a picture that is making Kyoko giggle. She notices the camera is on and hides it quickly, nudging Kyoko.
Kyoko: Oh! Um. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. The atmosphere is electric at the Battle Arena tonight, as we await what promises to be the bishonen battle of all time.
Arisa: That's right. Our resident prettyboy from hell, Dilandau Albatou, will duke it out with the nastiest little nimrod in the Negaverse -
Kyoko: Dark Kingdom.
Arisa: Let me have my alliteration. The nastiest little nimrod in the Negaverse, Zoisite!
Kyoko: See, now you should have said Zoycite.
Arisa: Oh shush. In the red corner (where else), Dilandau Albatou!
In the arena below, Dilandau enters to Firestarter by the Prodigy. The Dragonslayers follow, shaking pom-poms. Dilandau acknowledges the roars of approval from the crowd.
Kyoko: And in the blue corner, Zoisite!
Zoisite appears out of nowhere in a flurry of pink petals, smirking.
The Office Ladies: OoOOOooo, pretty!
Arisa: Gentlemen, any comments before you begin the fight?
Zoisite: Yes. I came back from the dead for this fight and I'm going to send Dilandau's pyro ass back in my place.
Dilandau: I fear no-one with a ponytail.
Arisa: It's a mixed crowd tonight - the audience includes the casts of Tenkuu no Escaflowne, Bishoujo Senshi Sailormoon and the Glasgow Snake-Handling For Fun and Profit Society. Surprisingly, although I can hear some boos, no hisses. Cheesy grin.
Kyoko: And they're getting ready to begin! This is a no-mecha fight, but virtually anything else goes. Dilandau's supremely aggressive sword style should stand him in good stead, but he should beware of Zoisite's command of eeeeeeevil magic.
Dilandau and Zoisite circle each other. Dilandau draws his sword; Zoisite rolls a fireball through the air between his hands. The tension is nerve-wracking. A small Glaswegian absent-mindedly bites his snake.
Dilandau: Here I come! He charges at Zoisite.
Arisa: Ooh! Zoisite only just got out of the way of that thrust, and he's throwing his fireball. It's a beautiful curving pitch.
Kyoko: Unfortunately it's missed Dilandau by three feet and impacted ringside in Don King's hair.
Arisa: What the hell was he doing there?
Kyoko: We can't seem to keep him out. Well, that should teach the old git a lesson. Lookit him jump!
Dilandau: You're trying to scare me with fire? You're pathetic! I've practically got a duty to kill you! He charges again. Zoisite tries to levitate out of the way, but Dilandau jumps and grabs him round the knees, dragging him back down. He twists Zoisite's arm up his back and pushes his face into the dirt of the arena.
Zoisite: Yuck! Ptoo!
Kyoko: It looks like it's all over for Zoisite, and so quickly too! He just wasn't prepared for the savagery of Dilandau's attack.
Arisa: Yes, very savage. She takes a picture.
Kyoko: You disturb me.
Dilandau: Don't be a wuss. Dying shouldn't be so hard, you've done it before already. Now keep still, this is the good part. He prepares to chop off Zoisite's head.
Zoisite: This sucks! I haven't had such a bad day since Tuxedo Kamen cut my face with that stupid rosedart!
Dilandau: Since what? He lowers his sword. Th- that happened to you too?
Zoisite: Yes! Look, I've got concealer on today but you can still see the mark.
Dilandau: Pshaw! You want to see a scar, look at this one.
Zoisite (enormously impressed): Eugh! Can I touch it?
Kunzite (standing up in the bleachers): HEY!
Arisa: And, in a surprising turn, both combatants are hugging and crying like girls.
Zoisite: You know my pain! *sniffle*
Arisa: Like GIRLS, I say!
Dilandau: Hey, shut up, we're bonding here! You know, we should form a support group for gender-ambiguous giggly villains who have been facially disfigured by skinny jerks with annoying girlfriends.
Zoisite: With a password and special hats!
Dilandau: And a club song!
Zoisite: And club sandwiches!
Dilandau: Don't let's be silly.
Kyoko: Isn't it beautiful? Instead of fighting they've realised they have something in common and friendship is blossoming right here in our little bloodstained arena!
Arisa: Meh. I wanted carnage.
Kyoko: And they're leaving the arena arm-in-arm.
Arisa: Unhappy man in a cape chasing them. Well, that was... unique.
Kyoko: And short. We've got like twenty minutes of show left. How are we going to entertain these people? Chaos is breaking out. The Dragonslayers are socialising with the Sailor Senshi and the snake-handlers are running amuck.
Arisa: They call that running amuck? I've run better mucks with my eyes closed.
Kyoko: But what are we going to do about them?!
Arisa: Screw 'em. I'm going home.
Kyoko (thinks about it): Yeah, me too.