Author's Note: This fic was written for my friend AniKaizer, because if it weren't for him I would have stopped at EsCaMoN 1. Please credit him with making up the types, attacks, and all that kind of stuff for Aston, Migel, Dalet, Adelphos, Gatti, Guimel, Dornkirk, Neo-Folken, Neo-Dilandau, Neo-Dilandau-in-Alseides, Neo-Van, Neo-Van-in-Escaflowne, and Neo-Allen, and also Duke o' Freid's Paternal Instinct attack.
Disclaimer: I didn't invent Escaflowne, Twin Signal, Generator Gawl, Zelda, Those Who Hunt Elves, hot dogs, mustard, sheep, yaks, or anything else in here that I might mention that I didn't make up. Let the insanity begin!
Signal: Welcome back, everyone, to the Escamon battles!
Pulse: I am Pulse. This is Signal, and the kid is Nobuhiko. We will be commentating today's events.
Gawl: (is pouting) Why don't we get to be the commentators?
Koji: Because you couldn't behave yourself last time and ADV fired us.
Roe: And Anime Village let Anime Works hire new commentators.
Signal: (does a double take) Pulse?! What are you still doing here?!
Pulse: Masanobu sent me to Dr. Otoi, remember?
Signal: No, you were stolen!
Pulse: (coughs) Well, he was planning on sending me anyway.
Signal: (clenches fist) I'll bet you're just trying to steal my show!
Pulse: Your show? So you're going to be battling Escamon, brother?
Nobuhiko: (sweatdrops and grabs microphone) Okay, representing the good guys, we have Gaddes!
Gaddes waves to crowd
Pulse: And, representing the bad guys, we have (squints at paper) Ne Na Nae Nerl Nerla?
Signal: Get some glasses! (swipes paper from Pulse) Naria!
Naria: About time! (waves also. Cheers from fans, boos and hissing from the Mouseketeers, who are waving signs that say 'death to cats'.)
Naria (shouts to Mouseketeers) Yeah, same to you! Disney ripping off Escaflowne with Atlantis!
Mouseketeers continue to boo. Escaflowne fans in the stands charge over and kill them
Signal: Ah, a display of otaku-ness that warms my heart.
Pulse: What? What just happened?
Nobuhiko: This time around we'll be seeing all new Escamon, including the evolved forms of some of the ones used in the last battle. Combatants, send out your first Escamon!
Gaddes: (grins and tosses energist) Go, King Aston!
Old fat guy wearing ugly hat with really ugly feather appears
Naria: Ha! Don't make me laugh! Oops, too late. Go, Guimel!
Naria throws her energist and Guimel appears
Gaddes: Aston, Top-Of-Head Attack!
Aston takes off his ugly hat and reflects light from the top of his shiny bald head, blinding Guimel
Guimel: Augh! (covers eyes)
Naria: Guimel, Marshmallow Attack!
Guimel: Marshmallow, sic 'em!
Marshmallow (Guimel's sheep) runs over and attacks Aston
Gaddes: Aston, Alliance Attack!
Aston: Let us form an alliance
Signal: Marshmallow has stopped fighting Aston!
Nobuhiko: So, where's Marshmallow?
Signal: He's up here!
Pulse: (looks around) No he's not. I don't see him.
Signal: Yeah, but you're so nearsighted you can't see all the way to the floor.
Nobuhiko: I'm allergic to wool
Signal: No! Don't do it, Nobu!
Noise like a pokeball opening is heard. A cloud of smoke surrounds Signal, and when it clears
Chibi-Signal: (in helium voice) I want chocolate!
Pulse: Where did Signal go?
Gaddes: Aston, Bounty Hunter Attack!
Three bounty hunter guymelefs appear to help him fight
Naria: Hey! No fair!
Chibi-Signal: Ohhh, kitty-cat mad about something.
Gaddes: Sorry, Catwoman, but that's a legal move.
Naria: Fine! (Points) Guimel, Sheep Stampede Attack!
Guimel: Baaaah! Baah baah baaaaaaah! (Translation: Sheep unite to trample our opponent!)
A flock of sheep trample Aston and the bounty hunters
Gaddes: Aston, return!
The beam of white light takes King Aston back into his energist
Gaddes: Go, Neo-Allen! (throws energist, and Neo-Allen appears)
Nobuhiko: As you may remember, Gaddes had an Allen in the last battle. Now, it has evolved into Neo-Allen!
Gaddes: Neo-Allen, Bishounen Kill Attack!
Neo-Allen starts to move, then stops
Pulse: When Neo-Allen uses his Bishounen Kill attack, he immediately KOs the enemy, if they are a Bishounen type. While Guimel is technically part Bishounen and part Sheep-Man elements, many argue that Guimel is not truly a Bishounen. Thus, Neo-Allen is confused.
Gaddes: Okay Neo-Allen, Bishounen Stance Attack!
Neo-Allen flips his hair over his shoulder, strikes a pose, and gives Guimel his most charming lady-killer smile. Guimel reels back in pain
Gaddes: Good, now finish him off with your Yak Stampede!
A herd of yaks come well, stampeding at Guimel
Naria: Guimel, fight it with your Sheep Stampede!
Guimel's sheep run at Neo-Allen's yaks, but, alas, they are no match. However, Guimel uses his Scream attack as he goes down, damaging Allen
Naria: Guimel, return!
The beam of white light takes Guimel back into his energist
Chibi-Signal: All gone!
Nobuhiko: I wonder who Naria will use next? It'll have to be a good one to beat Gaddes's Neo-Allen.
A grin spreads across Naria's face, and she throws her energist
Naria: Go, Dalet!
Gaddes: That won't do you any good! Neo-Allen, Bishounen Kill Attack!
Neo-Allen draws his sword and rushes at Dalet
Naria: That's what you think! Dalet, Don't-Hate-Me-Because-I'm-So-Damn-Pretty Attack!
Dalet pulls out a rose and bites it in his teeth, then strikes a pose and bats his eyes at Neo-Allen
Neo-Allen drops his sword and covers his eyes. He seems to recover for a moment, straightens, and explodes
Pulse: Dalet's Don't-Hate-Me-Because-I'm-So-Damn-Pretty attack is ten times more powerful than Neo-Allen's Bishounen Stance, which is twice as powerful as Allen's Bishounen Attack.
Nobuhiko: Well, he's not half Vain type for nothing.
Chibi-Signal: I want chocolate!
Nobuhiko: I know, Mini.
Gaddes: Neo-Allen, return!
The beam of white light takes a smoking Neo-Allen back into his energist. Gaddes throws another one
Gaddes: Go, Chid!
Naria: Dalet, Hair-Care Attack!
Dalet pulls out a bottle of shampoo and squirts it at Chid, who dodges it easily
Nobuhiko: Ah, now I see where Gaddes is going with this! Chid isn't an especially powerful Escamon, but he's fast.
Chibi-Signal: And he's hard to hit!
Gaddes: Chid, Tassel Whip Attack!
Chid runs up to Dalet and lashes him with the cute little tassel on his cute little hat sorry
Naria: Dalet! Don't let yourself be beaten by a kid! Vanity Attack!
Pulse: (gasps) Vanity! That's Dalet's special attack!
Dalet pulls out a mirror and begins admiring himself
Gaddes: Don't let him bore you, Chid! Admiring Gaze Attack!
Chid makes his eyes go as wide as they can and stares at Dalet cutely. Dalet notices Chid's reflection in his mirror and is so overpowered by the kawaiiness that he surrenders
Naria: Gods! Dalet, return!
Dalet is taken back into his energist. Naria throws another one
Naria: Go, Adelphos!
Gaddes: Chid, Cold Shoulder Attack!
Naria: Adelphos, Survive Devastating Attacks!
Chid turns his back on Adelphos, folds his arms, and pouts cutely. Adelphos becomes surrounded by ice. But, due to his Survive Devastating Attacks attack, he is barely affected and breaks out
Naria: Good! Now, Devil-Insult!
Adelphos: This is an act of the Devil!!!
Gaddes: Chid, give him your Tassel Whip!
Chid stands there with a blank expression on his face
Nobuhiko: Chid has been deafened by Adelphos's Devil Insult attack!
Chibi-Signal: And he can't hear either!
Nobuhiko: Deafened can't hear, same thing.
Pulse: He can't hear Gaddes's commands! What will he do?
Naria: We've got this one! Adelphos, Horned-Helmet Charge!
Adelphos lowers his head and headbutts Chid with his horned helmet. (Please excuse the alliteration) Chid faints
Gaddes: Chid, return! (throws an energist) Go, Mole Man!
Mole Man appears
Gaddes: Mole Man, Lisp Attack!
Mole Man begins speaking with a lisp. Adelphos covers
his ears with his hands
Adelphos: Oh, the agony!
Gaddes: Ha! He's paralyzed! Finish him off with your Mug Attack!
Mole Man begins going through Adelphos's pockets.
Adelphos screams that his personal space is being violated and faints
Naria: You wimp! Adelphos, return!
Nobuhiko: Woah, I wasn't expecting that!
Pulse: (is turned around) Yeah, can I have mustard on that hot dog?
Nobuhiko elbows Pulse
Pulse: (jumps) What?! Oh. Um yeah! Someone has just been defeated! Can't see who
Chibi-Signal: You're very very nearsighted.
Naria throws an energist
Naria: Go, Migel!
Naria: Migel, Lie Attack!
Migel: The grass is blue! The sky is green! Lord Dilandau is sane! Dornkirk is bishounen and Allen wants to be the queen of Asturia!
Mole Man gets a confused expression and question marks float over his head
Naria: Migel, Mega Punch!
Migel punches Mole Man. Blood and a few teeth fly out of his mouth
Gaddes: Augh! Mole Man, return!
Nobuhiko: And the Escamon are dropping like flies!
Pulse shakes pepper on his fries
Nobuhiko: Ah..ah AH-CHOO!!!
Noise like pokeball opening is heard, and smoke surrounds Chibi-Signal
Signal: A warning Signal to the wicked a rescue Signal to the weak yes, it is I! Signal. (pose)
Nobuhiko: (sarcastically) Ooh. (applauds slowly)
Signal: That's really not necessary. I know how impressive I am.
Naria: (folds arms) You'll have to do better than a Mole Man to beat me!
Gaddes: Don't worry about me! Go, Plaktu!
Gaddes throws his energist and Plaktu appears
Signal: That's a good move on Gaddes's part. Migel is a combination of Prisoner and Bishounen types, and while a Doppleganger type always has the edge over prisoner types, a combination of Psychic and Monk is almost as good.
Pulse: You actually sounded smart, brother. (takes bite out of hot dog)
Naria: Migel, Lie Attack!
Migel: Disco is dead!
John Travolta: (stands up in audience) Noooooo!!!
Plaktu: No, it's not.
John Travolta: Whew!
Gaddes: Plaktu, Interrogate Attack!
Plaktu lights incense and holds beads out in front of
Plaktu: What is your name, Zaibach Soldier?
Migel: It's Migel It's Migel Labariel
Plaktu: What is your name, Zaibach Soldier?
Migel: It's Migel It's Migel Labariel
Plaktu: What is your name, Zaibach Soldier?
Pulse: This is getting a little repetitive
Gaddes: scratches the back of his head sheepishly Well, I just caught him, and he only knows one question.
Migel: It's Migel It's Migel Labariel
Plaktu: What is your name-
Naria: AUGH!!! This is getting ANNOYING!!! Migel, return!
The beam of while light puts Migel back in his energist
Naria: Go, Emperor Dornkirk!
Reeeealy big life support machine with Dornkirk in it somewhere appears
Naria: Dornkirk, Dragon's Shadow Attack!
Dornkirk: The Dragon's shadow is obscuring our ideal future.
Naria: Dornkirk, Isaac-Newton's-3rd-Law-Of-Motion-Attack!
Gaddes: Plaktu, Hypnosis Attack!
Plaktu makes his hand gestures at Dornkirk, and he falls asleep. But because of Dornkirk's 3rd-Law-Of-Motion attack, Plaktu is hurt in An Equal Amount and falls asleep as well
Naria: Oh, nice move!
Gaddes: Well, you're the one that ordered him to use that 3rd-Law-Of-Motion attack!
Naria: I didn't bring any Awakening
Gaddes: Me neither
ONE HOUR LATER
Naria: Got any twos?
Gaddes: Go fish.
Naria takes a card and munches on a can of anchovies someone has kindly brought her. Nobuhiko and Signal are both asleep leaning against each other, and Pulse is still awake but too nearsighted to see what's going on in the stadium anyway. Surprising, since he tends to fall asleep with no warning, even if he's standing on the edge of a cliff. Suddenly, Dornkirk and Plaktu both wake up
Naria: Hey! They're awake!
Signal: (jerks awake) The combatants' Escamon have
woken up! The battle may resume! Elbows Nobuhiko
Pulse: Where's that vendor? I want another hot dog
Signal: What for?! We're robots! We don't have to eat!!!
Naria: Dornkirk, Non-Moving Lips Attack!
Dornkirk: (whining) Why can't I see it?
Plaktu: Woah his lips didn't move how'd he do that?
Nobuhiko: Plaktu has been put in a confused stupor!
Signal: You like that word, don't you?
Nobuhiko: What, stupor?
Signal: Yeah, that's the one.
Naria: Good! Now, Zone-Of-Absolute-Fortune Attack!
All the fainted Escamon revive and begin fighting
Pulse: Dornkirk's special attack! Zone-Of-Absolute-Fortune! Any of the evolutions of Van and Allen are extremely susceptible. Look at Neo-Allen go! Of course, I can't see him.
Revived Escamon turn on the audience and begin attacking them
Naria and Gaddes: No! Get back here! Not them! They're not Escamon!
Pulse: This could get messy.
Gaddes throws an energist
Gaddes: Go, Neo-Hitomi!
Signal: Uh-oh he used Neo-Hitomi
Nobuhiko: What's wrong with that?
Signal: Neo-Hitomi only has one attack
Gaddes: Neo-Hitomi, Self Destruct Attack!
Neo-Hitomi explodes without warning, causing all the Escamon to faint and blowing out the roof of the stadium. Naria and Gaddes quickly call back all their Escamon
Pulse: Hmm seems we have a new skylight
Nobuhiko: The Escamon League is going to kill us when they find out about this
Naria: Go, Gatti!
Gaddes: Go, Duke of Freid!
Both throw their energists and said Escamon appear
Gaddes: Duke o' Freid, Paternal Instinct Attack!
Duke o' Freid: Chid is my son.
Naria: Gatti, Contradict Attack!
Gatti: That wasn't a very good attack. I'm not even hurt! You should have used something else.
Gaddes: Duke o' Freid, Slash Attack!
Duke o' Freid draws his sword and slashes Gatti
Naria: Gatti, quick! Be-A-Man-And-Take-It Attack!
Duke o' Freid nails Gatti again, but fails to hurt him
Naria: Gatti, Dirty Look Attack!
Gatti glares at Duke o' Freid
Duke o' Freid: Huh? How dare you look at me that way, you insolent twerp!
Naria: Gatti, finish him off! Slash Attack!
While Duke o' Freid is distracted, Gatti draws his sword and slashes at him until he faints
Gaddes: Duke o' Freid, return! Go, Neo-Merle!
Neo-Merle appears and licks the back of her hand kittyish-ly
Nobuhiko: It seems that Gaddes's Merle has evolved into Neo-Merle!
Naria: Gatti, Slash Attack!
Gaddes: Neo-Merle, Stealth Scratch Attack!
Gatti slashes at Neo-Merle, but she jumps out of the way, sneaks up behind him, bares her claws, and slashes him in the back of the neck. Gatti faints
Naria: (muttering) Worthless Escamon Gatti, return!
(Throws another energist) Go, Neo-Folken! Neo-Folken appears
Signal: Ooh, her Folken evolved!
Nobuhiko: Yeah! I mentioned that at the beginning of the battle! Weren't you paying attention?!
Signal: Get real. Of course not.
Naria: Your Neo-Merle cannot win! Neo-Folken, Poof Attack!
Pulse, Signal, and Nobuhiko: Poof Attack?
Neo-Folken points to his new hair
Neo-Merle: (screams) The horror! Dies-ah, faints
Gaddes: Neo-Merle, return!
Pulse: (Is flipping through the Official Escamon League Handbook of Legal Escamon Moves) Wow. And that attack was only supposed to put her in a horrified stupor. There's that word again.
Signal: (Is sitting with his eyes wide open, rocking back and forth slightly) The horror the horror (recovers) Gaddes is down to his last Escamon.
Gaddes: Go, Neo-Van!
Gaddes throws the energist, and Neo-Van appears
Gaddes: Neo-Van, Reckless Attack!
Neo-Van charges recklessly with his sword at Neo-Folken. Hmm, must be where that attack got its name
Naria: Neo-Folken, Hair Whip Attack!
Neo-Folken slaps Neo-Van with his hair, causing him to fly backwards
Gaddes: Neo-Van, Draconian Shield!
Neo-Van uses the Force, or whatever he gets his powers from, to create a shield around himself
Gaddes: Good! Now, Draconian-Attack!
Neo-Van uses his Force powers to attack Neo-Folken
Naria: No! Neo-Folken, Darth-Vader-Finger-Break Attack!
Neo-Folken lifts Neo-Van in the air and slowly breaks his fingers one by one
Pulse: This could be the end for Gaddes!
Neo-Van struggles against Neo-Folken's invisible grip. Naria laughs, Gaddes sighs. Suddenly, Neo-Van begins to glow
Signal: Neo-Van is evolving!
Neo-Van starts to get bigger and change shape
Nobuhiko: Neo-Van has evolved into Neo-Van-in-Escaflowne!
Naria: Hey! That's not fair!
Gaddes: There's no rule against evolving during a match!
Naria: Meow. (pouts)
Gaddes: Neo-Van-in-Escaflowne, Giant Sword Attack!
Neo-Van-in-Escaflowne pulls out his giant sword and slashes at Neo-Folken, defeating him
Naria: Neo-Folken, return!
Naria looks mournfully at her last energist
Gaddes: Throw it.
Naria: Go, Neo-Dilandau!
Pulse: Neo-Dilandau is powerful, but will he be able to beat Neo-Van-in-Escaflowne? Or, more importantly, is he going to evolve backwards again?
Naria: Neo-Dilandau, New-Catch-Phrase Attack!
Neo-Dilandau: BURN TO THE BONES!!!
Neo-Van-in-Escaflowne: (eyes widen) He IS psycho!
Naria: Quick, while he's distracted! Darth Vader Blast!
Neo-Dilandau tries to blast Neo-Van-in-Escaflowne away with his Force-ish powers. However, Neo-Van-in-Escaflowne isn't even fazed
Signal: It seems that Neo-Van-in-Escaflowne is just too powerful.
Naria: Um Neo-Dilandau, SpontaNeously-Combusting-Horse Attack!
Neo-Dilandau's horse explodes, causing Neo-Van-in-Escaflowne to vomit
Gaddes: Yawn! You're barely scratching him!
Naria: Grr Neo-Dilandau! Don't just stand there in the remains of your horse! DO SOMETHING!!!
Neo-Dilandau begins to glow
Nobuhiko: (gasps) Neo-Dilandau has evolved into Neo-Dilandau-in-Alseides! Maybe Naria isn't out after all!
Naria: (claps hands) Neo-Dilandau-in-Alseides, Blood Suck Attack!
The Alseides sucks out Dilandau's blood, powering it up
Naria: Now! Moechae Attack!
Neo-Dilandau-in-Alseides shoots fire at Neo-Van-in-Escaflowne, who stumbles backwards
Gaddes: Dragon-Mode Attack!
The Escaflowne shifts to Dragon Mode, allowing it to fly
Naria: Fly Attack!
The Alseides sprouts bat-wings and pursues Neo-Van-in-Escaflowne
Neo-Dilandau-in-Alseides: I've got wings too, Van!
Pulse: The battle has now taken to the sky! (thoughtfully) I guess it's a good thing that Neo-Hitomi blew the roof off.
Gaddes: You leave me no choice! Neo-Van-in-Escaflowne, Possession Attack!
Neo-Van reverts out of Dragon Mode. The Escaflowne takes over him, and he goes berserk and attacks Neo-Dilandau-in-Alseides, no holds barred
Naria: Do I dare? ..I dare! I refuse to lose! Neo-Dilandau-in-Alseides, Fanservice Attack!
Neo-Dilandau climbs out of the Alseides in his underwear. All the Dilandau fangirls across the stadium can no longer control themselves and run out. Half of them grab Neo-Dilandau and form a human shield around him, the other half drag Neo-Van out of the Escaflowne and start beating him up for even THINKING about hurting their poor Dilly-chan
Nobuhiko: THAT was an interesting turn of events
Signal: So, do we announce Naria the winner?
Pulse: I guess-
Pulse is cut off as a large, clunky-looking yellow robot crashes in through a wall and starts chasing around members of the audience
Signal: I thought I destroyed that thing!
Kris: Epsilon! My baby! Runs after robot
A tall blonde elf bishounen wearing a green tunic followed by a fairy jumps up and cuts off one of Epsilon's arms
Link: What is this thing?
Airi: stands up and points He's an elf!
Ritsuko: I'll get the tank!
Junpei: I'll get him!
Celcia: No! You can't run around stripping elves! STOP!!!
Link: (eyes widen) No! I'm a Hylian! (starts running)
Link: (to Navi) Will you shut up already?!
Gawl: See?! No one won this time either! Why can't the elf guy do it?
Roe: Because he's being chased by the elf hunters.
Gawl: All right, all right! (generates and smashes Epsilon)
Nobuhiko: (sweatdrops) Okaaaay
Pulse: So, who won?
Signal: (grabs microphone energetically) Ladies and gentleman, we have our winner! Please give it up for Gawl, who has destroyed Epsilon into little tiny pieces!
Nobuhiko: Please join us again for the next Escamon battles!
Pulse: I'm going home. Heads for door and runs into wall
Author's note: How'd I do? Good? Bad? Please tell me! And stay tuned for EsCaMoN! The Animated Series! (Sort of)
King Aston (Monarch) Alliance, Top-Of-Head, Bounty Hunters
Migel (Combination Bishounen and Prisoner) Lie, Mega Punch
Dalet (Combination Bishounen and Vain) Don't-Hate-Me-Because-I'm-So-Damn-Pretty, Hair-Care, Vanity
Adelphos (Combination Old Ugly Guy and Military) Devil-Insult, Horned-Helmet-Charge, Survive-Devastating-Attacks
Gatti (Bishounen) Contradict, Be-A-Man-And-Take-It, Dirty-Look, Slash
Guimel (Combination Bishounen and Sheep-Man) Sheep Stampede, Marshmallow, Scream
Dornkirk (Combination Old Old OLD Ugly Guy and Monarch) Dragon's Shadow, Isaac-Newton's-3rd-Law-Of-Motion, Non-Moving Lips, Zone-Of-Absolute-Fortune
Neo-Folken (Combination Darth Vader, Poof, and Monarch) Darth-Vader-Finger-Break, Hair-Whip, Poof
Neo-Dilandau (Combination Pyro, Psycho, Bishounen, and Darth Vader) Darth-Vader-Blast, New-Catch-Phrase, Spontaneously-Combusting-Horse
Neo-Dilandau-in-Alseides (Combination Psycho, Pyro, and Mech-Pilot) Fly, Blood-Suck, Moechae, Fanservice
Neo-Van (Combination Warrior, Reckless, and Bishounen) Reckless-Attack, Draconian-Attack, Draconian-Shield
Neo-Van-in-Escaflowne (Combination Reckless, Warrior, and Mech-Pilot) Giant-Sword, Dragon-Mode, Posession
Neo-Allen (Combination Yak-tamer, Bishounen, Blonde) Bishounen-Kill, Yak-Stampede, Bishounen Stance