Author's Note: I don't claim credit for Pokémon, Generator Gawl, Escaflowne, or circuses. However ESCAMON is all mine! Bwa ha ha! Okay.
Gawl: Welcome, everyone, to the Greatest Show on Earth!
Koji: You mean Gaea.
Roe: And we're not some circus, Gawl.
Gawl: Okay, okay! Um…
Roe: Welcome to the first ever Escamon battle, where two characters from Tenkuu no Escaflowne will be battling with their Escamon!
Koji: Whoopee.
Camera view changes to pan around the stadium, then zooms in on the field in the center
Gawl: On the blue side, representing the Good Guys, we have…Gaddes!
Gaddes: I can't believe I'm doing this.
Gaddes waves to the crowd
Roe: And on the right side, representing the Bad Guys, we have…Naria!
Naria waves as well
Gawl: Woah! She's a cat!!!
Koji: This is Gaea, Gawl. Anything can happen.
Gawl is still staring
Roe: Combatants, send out your first Escamon!
Both combatants throw out an energist
Koji: It's unlikely that either one would use their strongest Escamon, and Gaddes proved it by starting with Dryden.
Gawl: And Naria is using Eriya. Woah, another cat!
Koji: They're twins, Gawl.
Gawl: …..really?!
Gaddes: Dryden, Hippie Attack!
Dryden gives Eriya the peace sign
Dryden: Love power!
Eriya folds her arms and looks away
Gaddes: What?!
Roe: Oh, and Eriya seems to be unaffected by Dryden's Hippie Attack!
Naria: Eriya, Scratch Attack!
Eriya growls and starts slashing Dryden
Gaddes: Dryden, return!
The beam of white light transports Dryden back into the energist
Koji: I wonder which Escamon Gaddes will send out next.
Gaddes: Merle, go!
Gaddes throws another energist and Merle appears. Gawl's eyes look like they're going to pop out of his head
Gawl: Another cat?!
Koji: Gawl, get over it.
Naria grins
Naria: Eriya, Lucky Attack!
Gaddes: Merle, Scratch Attack!
Merle leaps at Eriya but is thrown back by an invisible barrier
Gaddes: Grrr…Merle, Anti-Hitomi Attack!
Merle: Stay away from Van-sama!!!
Merle starts running at Eriya
Naria: Eriya, Slash Attack!
Eriya doesn't move
Naria: Eriya!!!
Roe: Naria seems to have forgotten that Eriya will not fight another cat!
Merle reaches Eriya and there is a large explosion. When the smoke clears, Merle is standing triumphantly over Eriya, who has the anime-swirly-okay-I'm-defeated-eyes
Naria: Eriya, return!
The beam of white light puts Eriya back in her energist. Naria throws another one
Naria: Jajuka, go!
Jajuka growls at Merle
Gawl: HE'S A DOG?!
Koji hands Gawl a carton of milk like you get with your lunch at school
Koji: Here, drink this and be quiet.
Gawl: I sure love cows!
Masami stands up in the audience
Masami: We know, Gawl! Now shut up so we can pay attention to the battle!
Gawl sticks his tongue out at Masami.
Gaddes: Merle, Kawaii Semi-SD Attack!
Merle goes semi-SD
Naria: Jajuka, Bite Attack!
Gaddes: Merle, Pounce Attack!
Jajuka bites Merle, but it barely affects her thanks to her Kawaii Semi-SD Attack. Merle pounces on Jajuka. He shakes her off
Naria: Jajuka, Howl Attack!
Jajuka howls
Gawl: Jajuka's Howl Attack has countered Merle's Kawaii Semi-SD Attack! Her defenses are back to normal!
Koji: You've got a milk mustache.
Gawl: I was saving some for later!
Naria: Jajuka, finish her off! Bite Attack!
Jajuka bites Merle and she faints
Gaddes: Merle, return!
The beam of white light puts Merle back into her energist. Gaddes throws another one
Gaddes: Balgus, go!
Balgus appears
Naria: Jajuka, Bite Attack!
Jajuka leaps at Balgus, but he dodges
Naria: Grr…Jajuka, Ankle Bite Attack!
Jajuka bites Balgus's ankle and refuses to let go
Gaddes: Balgus, Really Really Really Big Sword Attack!
Balgus pulls out a sword that is waaaay too big and slashes Jajuka
Roe: And Jajuka has been KOed by Balgus's Really Really Really Big Sword Attack!
Gawl: That's gonna hurt tomorrow.
Koji: So far, no one's gaining the upper hand here.
Naria: Jajuka, return!
The beam of white light takes Jajuka back into his energist
Roe: I wonder who Naria will use now?
Naria throws another energist
Naria: Zongi, go!
Zongi appears
Naria: Zongi, Mutate Attack!
Zongi mutates into a copy of Balgus
Gaddes: Balgus, Really Really Really Big Sword Attack!
Balgus doesn't move
Gaddes: Balgus, what are you waiting for?!
Koji: It seems that Balgus is confused by his opponent's similarity to himself.
Gawl: You could put a little more enthusiasm into it, Koji.
Koji: Enthusiasm, that's a big word for you, isn't it?
Naria: Zongi, Bishounen Strangle Attack!
Zongi doesn't move
Roe: What's going on here? Neither side will attack!
Naria: Zongi!!! Oh, wait, I forgot. Balgus isn't a bishounen-type. Zongi! Old Ugly Guy Strangle Attack!
Zongi turns back into himself and starts choking Balgus
Gaddes: Balgus, return!
The beam of white light takes Balgus back into his energist
Gaddes: How can I beat a doppelganger-type?
Gaddes grins
Gaddes: Oh yeah!
Gaddes throws an energist
Roe: I think Gaddes has something up his sleeve…
Gaddes: Millerna, go!
Millerna appears
Gaddes: Millerna, Ditz Attack!
Millerna begins to walk toward Zongi
Millerna: I thought we'd met somewhere! You're a doppelganger, right? It's really too bad that all you can do is fight and die…
Zongi looks sad
Naria: Wha…but…Zongi, fight it! Mutate Attack!
Zongi mutates into Millerna
Naria: Ha! Take that!
Suddenly, Zongi gags and falls over
Gawl: Woah! Zongi just can't stand being Millerna and he fainted!
Roe: And that, people, is the secret power of Blonde-type Escamon. They may seem weak-
Koji: And they are.
Roe: …but watch out if you're using a doppelganger-type.
Naria: Zongi, return!
Naria throws another energist
Naria: Chesta, go!
Chesta appears
Naria: Chesta, Protect Dilandau Attack!
Chesta draws his sword
Chesta: I won't let you hurt Dilandau-sama!!!
Chesta runs at Millerna waving his sword. Millerna screams and passes out. Gaddes calls her back with a disgusted look on his face
Gaddes: Hitomi, go!
Gaddes throws an energist and Hitomi appears
Gaddes: Hitomi, Pendant Swing Attack!
Hitomi starts swinging her pendant. Chesta watches it go back and forth, back and forth, back and forth…sorry.
Naria: Chesta! Slash Attack!
Chesta slashes at Hitomi with his sword
Gaddes: Hitomi! I-do-so-much-running-on-Gaea-why-can't-I-run-the-100-meters-in-13-seconds-Attack!
Hitomi starts running in circles around Chesta. He gets dizzy and falls over
Koji: A long name, but an effective attack.
Naria: Chesta, return! Go, Folken!
Folken appears and snarls at Hitomi
Gaddes: Hitomi! Scary Tarot Reading Attack!
Hitomi lays out her tarot cards and looks up at Folken
Hitomi: You're going to die!
Folken: I know.
Gawl: Oooh, and Folken is unaffected by Hitomi's Scary Tarot Reading Attack!
Naria: Folken, Finger Stab Attack!
Folken stabs Hitomi in the neck with the needle in his finger and she faints
Gaddes: Hitomi, return!
The beam of white light takes Hitomi back into her energist. Gaddes looks at his last two energists
Roe: Gaddes seems unsure about which Escamon to use next.
Gaddes: Allen, go!
Gaddes throws his energist and Allen appears
Koji: And for those of you who don't know, Allen is a combination Bishounen and Blonde type Escamon. Folken being a combination of Bishounen and Strategos, this'll be a tough match.
Gaddes: Allen, Bishounen Attack!
Allen tosses his hair over his shoulder and gives Folken his most charming smile. Folken reels back and looks disgusted
Gawl: Oh yeah! Bishounen are strong against other Bishounen because they disgust each other!
Naria: Folken, Arm Reflect Attack!
Folken holds up his mechanical arm. Allen sees his own refection, is hit with his own Bishounen Attack, and gags.
Gaddes: No!!!
Naria: Good! Now, Fate Alter Attack!
Folken: Unmei kaihen!
Allen starts screaming uncontrollably
Gaddes: Allen, fight it with your Chivalry Attack!
Allen: Chivalry states that three against one is not a fair fight!
Gaddes: Now, Blonde Attack!
Allen begins spouting different blonde-ish phrases
Folken: Augh!
Gawl has his hands over his ears
Gawl: I know how he feels.
Folken's eyes roll back and he falls over
Naria: Folken, return!
Roe: Naria is now down to her last Escamon.
Koji: But it's a strong one.
Naria: I can still win this. Dilandau, go!
She throws her energist and Dilandau appears
Gaddes: What?! How can she…?!
Gawl: What's he so surprised about?
Roe: It's nearly impossible to get a Celena to evolve into a Dilandau in the first place, and even then, he's difficult to train.
Koji: Dilandau is known for his unpredictability. He also tends to evolve backwards without notice.
Naria: Dilandau, Chiku Attack!
Dilandau begins stroking his cheek
Dilandau: Chiku…chiku…chiku…
Allen: So annoying…
Allen shoves his fingers in his ears.
Allen: Can't fight it…
Allen falls over. Gaddes swears
Gaddes: Allen, return!
Gawl is stroking his cheek
Gawl: Chiku…chiku…chiku…
Masami comes up from the stands and whacks him. Gawl shuts up.
Roe: Gaddes is now down to his last Escamon as well.
Gaddes throws his last energist
Gaddes: Van, go!
Van appears
Naria: Dilandau, Moreo Attack!
Dilandau pulls out a flamethrower and torches Van
Dilandau: Moreo moreo!!! MOECHAE!!!
Gaddes: Van, Blind Courage Attack!
Van: I'll never run! I'll never turn my back on an enemy and run away!
Naria: Don't let him block you! Destroy Fanelia Attack!
Gaddes: Van! Revenge For Fanelia Attack!
Both draw their swords and begin madly slashing at each other
Roe: I think this is gonna get ugly.
Gawl: Van's got Dilandau pinned down…wait, no, reverse that….aw, this is lame! I want blood!
Masami shakes her fist at Gawl
Masami: I'll give ya blood…
Gawl holds up his hands
Gawl: That's okay, really!
Koji: Quiet, you two. Something's happening.
Dilandau curls up into a little ball, moaning loudly
Naria: Not now, Dilandau!
Van pokes Dilandau with his sword
Van: Dilandau?
Dilandau takes his hands away from his face and looks up
Celena: Dilandau? Who's Dilandau?
Roe: Naria's Dilandau has evolved backwards into Celena!
Gaddes: …..Van! Do something!
Van: But, she's a girl! I can't fight a girl!
Naria: Celena! Attack him!
Celena just sits there
Naria: …..oh yeah, I forgot. Celena doesn't have any attacks.
Silence falls over the stadium. Crickets can be heard chirping. Gaddes coughs. Naria scratches the back of her head
Gawl: So, I guess it's a tie?
Roe: Yep.
Pause
Gawl: Party at Masami's place!!!
Entire cast of Tenkuu no Escaflowne cheers and heads for the door
Masami: Gawl!!! YOU CAN'T DO THAT!!!
Gawl: Watch me!!!
Masami chases Gawl out the door, screaming bloody murder. Roe and Koji shake their heads and follow.
Naria returns a moment later, puts Celena (who is still sitting on the floor) back in her energist and leaves
Dilandau (Combination Psycho, Pyro, and Bishounen) Chiku, Moreo, and Destroy Fanelia
Folken (Combination Strategos and Bishounen) Finger Stab, Arm Reflect, and Fate Alter
Jajuka (Dog) Bite, Ankle Bite, and Howl
Eriya (Cat) Scratch, Slash, and Lucky
Chesta (Combination Bishounen and Kawaii) Slash and Protect Dilandau
Zongi (doppelganger) Mutate and Strangle
Allen (Combination Bishounen and Blonde) Bishounen, Blonde, and Chivalry
Van (Bishounen) Blind Courage and Revenge for Fanelia
Hitomi (Psychic) Pendant Swing and Scary Tarot Reading
Dryden (Hippie) Hippie
Merle (Combination Cat and Kawaii) Scratch and Anti-Hitomi
Millerna (Blonde) Ditz
Balgus (Old Ugly Guy) Really Really Really Big Sword
Celena (Helpless Female) No known attacks